Health

Dad with post-natal depression reveals 'dark thoughts' left him worried he'd harm baby daughter


A father-of-two has revealed how he led a double life trying to hide crippling depression from his friends and family – and even kept a suicide attempt secret from them. 

Stephen Gillatt, from Faversham, Kent, says as a 6ft 3′ ‘geezer’ and football fan, he felt that he couldn’t share the debilitating mental illness that saw him lose his university fees to fruit machines and try and take his own life because of the ‘locker room’ culture.

Gillatt’s book ‘Mad, sad dysfunctional dad‘ also details his battle with post-partum depression following the births of his daughters, now five and three, which saw him plagued by ‘dark thoughts’ about harming his family. 

The doting dad is clear that he has never and would never harm his children...but says the thoughts, diagnosed as post-partum depression, manifested in him harming himself (Pictured with his two daughters)

The doting dad is clear that he has never and would never harm his children…but says the thoughts, diagnosed as post-partum depression, manifested in him harming himself (Pictured with his two daughters)

Father-of-two Stephen Gillatt has struggled for two decades with mental health problems including a gambling addiction. He says the most painful part of his illness was thoughts about harming his daughters, which doctors diagnosed as post-partum depression (Stephen Gillatt pictured with one of his daughters)

Father-of-two Stephen Gillatt has struggled for two decades with mental health problems including a gambling addiction. He says the most painful part of his illness was thoughts about harming his daughters, which doctors diagnosed as post-partum depression (Stephen Gillatt pictured with one of his daughters)

The high percentage of male suicide has led Stephen to speak out about his own experiences; he says being built like a rugby player means people didn't expect him to have a mental health illness

The high percentage of male suicide has led Stephen to speak out about his own experiences; he says being built like a rugby player means people didn’t expect him to have a mental health illness 

Growing up in Kent, as a 6ft 3' rugby fan made it hard to talk to male peers about his feelings and he would 'disconnect' from family and friends and lose himself in fruit machines

Growing up in Kent, as a 6ft 3′ rugby fan made it hard to talk to male peers about his feelings and he would ‘disconnect’ from family and friends and lose himself in fruit machines

He reveals in the diary-style book that he was so traumatised by the thoughts that it manifested in self-harming including stubbing out cigarettes on his bare skin and picking up saucepans by the main part, not the handle. He’s clear that he never has and would never harm his children. 

The doting dad, who’s married, says that descending into depression at what should be a joyous period in life was ‘a very painful time for me and my wife’. But he felt he had to share it in the book to try and help other men who’ve suffered with a condition that is commonly associated with women.

He told Femail: ‘I felt pretty disgusted that I was having the kind of feelings that I was having but they weren’t controllable – I had to go into therapy and I was self-harming. I was still going to work throughout too.

‘The thoughts about harming people are a very difficult thing to talk about but I thought it was too important not to add in to the book. Although I wondered whether it was the right thing to do, it’s so under-reported that I felt I had to.’

Gillatt, who was last in therapy 18 months ago, and received a working diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and bipolar depression in November 2019, says he’s currently on an ‘upward curve’ but takes each day at a time.  

A double life: Stephen says he never shared details of his battles with his friends and even kept a suicide attempt in his late twenties to himself

A double life: Stephen says he never shared details of his battles with his friends and even kept a suicide attempt in his late twenties to himself

Now a married father of two, he describes his wife as his 'rock' and says she's had to remain strong while some days he was too depressed to get out of bed

Now a married father of two, he describes his wife as his ‘rock’ and says she’s had to remain strong while some days he was too depressed to get out of bed

The book, he says, started as a way of ‘getting thoughts out’ and was written over a period of a year. He says: ‘I was really unwell when I started the book. A therapist said “start writing” as a way of getting stuff out. I’ve written in all kinds of states – with really bad mental health, in sobriety and at all times of day and night.

He even writes an entry from the maternity ward while his daughter is being born, which offers a stark contrast to most birth stories. He says: ‘Because I was feeling so lonely, I wanted to try and explain how it was possible to feel so disconnected in a room when you should feel your most elated. 

‘It’s quite difficult to be that honest with yourself, a lot of people run from the truth because it’s too painful.’

Gillatt’s book documents his descent into mental illness. Despite having a happy childhood, he says he found solace in fruit machines after being teased about his weight as a teenager. He says a lot of drinking and a little bit of gambling quickly reversed and became a little bit of drinking and a lot of gambling. 

By 23, he’d hit rock-bottom, unable to engage with other people and going on huge drinking and gambling sessions, having lost his university and accommodation fees. 

It culminated in him ‘breaking down’ and turning up drunk at a Gamblers Anonymous session, again not telling anyone he was there. 

Being teased about his weight in his mid teens left Stephen, pictured left at university, finding solace in university but by 23, he'd hit rock bottom

Being teased about his weight in his mid teens left Stephen, pictured left at university, finding solace in university but by 23, he’d hit rock bottom

A suicide attempt following the collapse of his first marriage saw him downing alcohol and ‘as many pills as I could’, saved only he says by an up-jerk reflex that roused him from unconsciousness.

He describes his wife as a ‘rock’ who has fought to keep family life together during his illness, saying: ‘My wife is an incredibly strong and amazing person and I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on myself. Self-care is really important but then you feel really selfish.

‘She’s been the rock through all of this. I’ve been very unwell where she can see the pain and not be able to do anything about it. There are times when I’ve gone weeks without talking.’ 

‘A lot of the people including my wife and my friends don’t have these kind of problems and find it very difficult for them to understand. 

 It doesn’t matter how big or strong you are, there’s no correlation between physical make-up or mental make-up…

‘Until people articulately describe mental health problems, until they break it open, the stigma is still huge. I think steps are being made but the fact three out of four people who die by suicide are men shows there’s still a huge problem. 

He adds: ‘To see how people live with mental illness and how something that you think is completely rational is irrational and unfathomable to someone else.’ 

Writing the book has been like a ‘coming out’. Stephen vowed to be more honest about his condition and says many of his friends were utterly shocked at what he’d been enduring.   

He says he’ll keep campaigning and rallying people who contact him on Twitter with positivity, saying: ‘It doesn’t matter how big or strong you are, there’s no correlation between physical make-up or mental make-up. I grew up playing football in Faversham – back then, the changing rooms wasn’t the place where you’d talk about it – it still isn’t. 

‘Gamblers are the best liars in the world and I’ve lived a double life but I got to the point where I had to stop lying.’ 

Mad, sad, dysfunctional dad‘ by Stephen Gillatt is out now, priced £9.99



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