Saying the internet raised me is extreme, but it helps explain how much I can’t separate my reality from it. Perhaps it’d be better to say the internet co-parented me because my mum is literally the best and deserves the sole title.
What started out as a place for adolescent escapism quickly transitioned into my workplace, safe space and personal hell. I’m averaging 15 hours of screentime a day and it is safe to say the majority of that time is scrolling, tapping, tabbing, laughing and ranting.
When I’m not doing those things, I’m doing other fun things like writing my book, The Success Experiment, which you can literally listen to on Audible right now (for free!). I refuse to plug myself subtle. Sure, that wasn’t the smoothest segue, but here we are. Have you downloaded it yet?
When you need a break from my voice, please enjoy this list of content that has at one point, made me feel good.
1. It grounds me
The most hilarious videos never make any sense. It’s the combination of the dragging feet, the dungeon setting, the lopsided wig, the beautiful face and the half-constructed sentences for me.
2. Jollof rice has to whew!
Hand on heart, these African Aunties are my inspiration and aspiration. Usually I hate implying that Africans are homogeneous, but in this instance the aunty stereotype transcends borders. They’re brutal, specific and unwaveringly confident in their skills (and taste!). I love them. I am them.
3. Cry emoji
Tweets in this vein will also be a yes from me. My favourite pastime is to overthink simple things until my brain fries from excessive use. That makes me feel loopy and like I’m an avatar in a simulation game who is having a Truman Show moment. Because having a job IS cool. Having my job IS cool. But then I have to work? And suddenly, I’m less into it. What’s that about?
4. I want to be kidnapped by a vampire
It is clear to anyone who follows me that I’ve never grown out of Twilight/vampire obsession. Every single day I’ll find a reason to remind people that while it may seem delusional to believe that I’ll meet a vampire, fall in love and convince them to turn me … I enjoy holding on to that hope. This meme sums up my Instagram presence.
If you’re a vampire reading this (or Robert Pattinson), please consider this my expression of interest. You know where to find me.
5. Stay blessed
This page takes absurd comments and turns them into stunning daily visual affirmations. The person that runs this account is a modern artist and I will accept no alternative description. The stock images make me feel warm and fuzzy. The hordes of people begging for their comment to be the next affirmation? It’s truly wholesome. I love them dearly. I will always laugh reading them.
6. Problematic newborns
A classic ironic niche meme page, with everyone I love – cute pictures, optimistic-nihilist quotes and a consistent grid aesthetic. While these pictures have never made me laugh out loud, they’ve definitely triggered a lot of mind laughter. You know the kind. The bland facial expression, paired with typing “hahahahahahhahahahah” – that’s the one. Hilarious. I need not sell this further.
My favourite creators are those that happen to be funny. Perfect delivery, relatable subject matter, and every second sentence is permanently seared in my brain. Ready for me to whip out at any time for a dopamine hit.
8. If you don’t understand vibes, then that’s on you
HRH is the only person I know often on the internet who is completely sincere and so easily meme-able. She is savage, neurotic, particular, uncancellable and her rants add years to my life.
9. It makes you feel weird, but you stay
I don’t know even know what to class this genre of content as but I love it. Chaotic and uneasy. It’s not even as though you’re drawn in with promises of happy ever after, it’s the fact that you’re lured in by what can only be described as bizarre content. It makes you feel weird, but you stay, and often leave unsatisfied in the traditional. But completely whole at the same time. If you get it, you get it.
10. If you’re ever sad, come to the forest
This is the energy I want injected into my life daily. I wish I could explain further but words simply do not do this person justice.