science

How the internet went nuts for New York’s squirrel influencers


Name: New York squirrels.

Also known as: The eastern gray squirrel.

Appearance: Plump, fluffy, disarmingly cute.

So this has nothing to do with the proto-punk band the New York Dolls? No. They were none of those things.

They were quite fluffy. This is literally about the squirrels that live in New York City.

Oh, good. What have they been up to now, the little rascals? Scampering up trees? Nibbling nuts that they hold in both paws? Nibbling yes, but not nuts.

What then? First an avocado, then an egg roll and now an Oreo cookie. All recorded on people’s smartphone and uploaded to social media. They are all internet famous now.

So there are squirrel influencers? How intriguing. Did they spread the avocado on a charcoal croissant? Do Instagram squirrels offer tips on fur-care? No. Although one New York squirrel did eat a croissant in 2015, in an attempt to upstage the famous pizza rat, arguably New York’s first rodent influencer.

And where are they getting these tasty snacks from? We don’t yet know how they are getting hold of these delicious dishes, but the New York parks department advises people not to feed them directly.

Spoilsports. “They can find their own food,” the department says, “which is healthier for them than human food.” Squirrels also sometimes bite people who try to feed them.

Ungrateful wretches. Yes, but we don’t want them to become too tame. “Feeding a squirrel can make them less fearful of humans, which can also hurt them in the long run,” apparently.

But now someone is buying them meals? Perhaps. Or maybe New York’s resourceful squirrels have begun taking human food for themselves.

Are you accusing them of theft? I’m not going to comment on an ongoing investigation. But of course they might be stealing our unhealthy food deliberately in order to make us give them nuts and berries for free.

That sounds unlikely. And risky. Have many squirrels visited their doctors with symptoms of diabetes? We have no smartphone evidence for that. But they are very intelligent, you know. They have been observed pretending to bury nuts to fool other squirrels.

So now they will have to pretend that they are burying egg rolls? I guess.

Wouldn’t it be cleverer to stop biting people? Maybe, but we sometimes bite them, too. Squirrel is a traditional meal in parts of the US, and you can buy wild squirrel meat in the UK.

I don’t think I’d want to eat a squirrel that has been stealing city food. Maybe that’s part of the plan, too.

Do say: “Squirrels are just rats with a PR department.”

Don’t say: “I’ll have the Oreo-fed squirrel tartare, please.”



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