Look, I’m not going to lie: I am Extremely Online. I logged on as a child at some point in the late 90s and never figured out how to log off. Anyway now I’m 27 and my brain is filled with bad hot takes, milkshake ducks and viral moments, and yet I cannot remember things like my dad’s birthday. Ultimately this is fine because it’s in my iCal, but I need mobile data to access it. So yeah, if there was a zombie apocalypse and all the phone lines went down, there is no way Dad would get a card that year. On the plus side, birthdays probably wouldn’t be a big deal on account of all the flesh-eating freaks roaming the Earth!
Anyway, the internet has rotted my mind meat and I have zero attention span. You may have noticed this on account of earlier tangent. I also have ADHD and, as of time of writing, am completely unmedicated.
I realise that sounds quite bad but I think, for internet list purposes, it is actually ideal. It means that everything I find funny is very short and punchy, because if I have to watch a YouTube video that’s over three minutes’ long, my head will medically explode. That said, here are a bunch of things that I like! Deal with it!
1. Toto falls off the stage
It’s OK to laugh at this! I think I read somewhere that the dog is fine.
2. Teresa Mannion: Rihanna remix
Of all the mid 2000s viral clips that were turned into viral songs, this is my favourite. “You can get in the water, but don’t today. You can swim in the sea, but don’t today. Stay away from that motorway!” It’s iconic, I still get it stuck in my head.
In case you’re wondering, it’s also OK to laugh at this: the reporter lady is fine. She went on a talk show after. She’s fine.
3. Hug the Sun
Hug the Sun is a new web series that parodies 1990s Australian kids’ TV shows, featuring two of my favourite comedians, Ben Russell and Xavier Michelides, with Aunty Donna. The premise hinges on a lost TV program whose tapes have been recovered from rubbish tips around Australia and stitched together, with a VHS aesthetic that manages to be nostalgic and creepy at the same time. I lost my mind watching this, which probably had something to do with the Shadow Man.
The Shadow Man is … not fine. He is incredibly evil. Let him not cast shade upon you!
4. Text from the Doordash guy
Gotta be honest, I didn’t realise how much a delivery driver could perceive me until this tweet. Anyway, now I wear a full ball gown to the door and make sure to slowly, leisurely pick my meal up off the front step, like a princess plucking a perfect flower from the ground. I also make sure to loudly proclaim, “My, this double pizza and garlic bread order is definitely for more than one person! For I am a well-adjusted and chill lady who has absolutely not consumed a whole bottle of wine by herself!” You gotta cover your bases, and yelling at no one is a great way to seem cool and normal.
5. Sylvanian drama
Speaking of binge eating in bed, may I now present: this TikTok.
I wasn’t entirely aware of the Sylvanian animal toys until PEN15, and now it feels like I see them everywhere. This combo of cute, innocent toys being awful to each other rules so hard. I’ve never wanted to be bullied by a set of toys so badly. Literally @Hedgehog … step on me <3
6. Wrecking Ball (recorder version)
This is my funeral song. I request that you play it the whole way through.
7. Great Day by the Lonely Island
This is my back-up funeral song if they refuse to play Wrecking Ball (recorder version). The jokes come so fast you’d think they were my high school boyfriend! Haha just kidding, I didn’t have a high school boyfriend. ANYWAY, I like this song a lot.
8. Men before leaning in for a kiss
God exists and her name is @cutebitch_2000.
9. Sam Campbell’s tech tutorial
Have you ever wanted to make a picture of a cowboy sepia? Well if so, this clip is for you. If not, this clip is also for you. Sam Campbell is a fantastic comic and this clip makes me laugh and also makes me frustrated. You’re welcome.
10. You had a good go at it thanks for your input
Sorry but this since-deleted tweet from Kirstie Alley about Stephen Hawking’s death is all time.
This is the kind of thing you write in an email to a colleague who has stuffed something up and now you have to fix it. I also think this is what the Guardian will send me after they publish my 10 Funniest Things.